智者上訴 – 尊重的回應方式

孩子經常面對的一個問題,就是當他們被要求作一些不想做的事時,他們就很難順服以及表示尊重。在聽到一個不合乎心意的指令或「不行」的答复時,有些孩子就會以滿腹牢騷來操縱父母,以得到他們想要的。有些孩子却用糾纏的方法,不斷用問題或埋怨火攻父母,試圖令父母讓步改變主意,最後得到他們想要的。為什麼孩子會用這些方法呢?因為它們行得通。

孩子需要知道他們的詭計是行不通的,他們需要學習以更尊重的方式來溝通。當孩子不同意別人所給的指導時,他們需要知道該如何處理他們的感受 -「當我不想去作時我如何順服?」教導孩子如何回應,對他們長大以後會有極大的幫助。

當孩子不同意或不想順服時可以有兩種選擇:

「先順服,然後再談」

讓孩子學習放下自己的想法並遵照指示是很重要的,即便是當他們不想作的時候。很多父母向那些沒有遵從最簡單指示的孩子讓步,總是與他們爭論。其實,對孩子們說「先順服,然後再談」,強調的是順服。 例如,你對卡爾說:「卡爾,換睡衣的時間到了。」「我還不累,還不想睡覺呢。」「換上你的睡衣,然後我們再談。」

如果這個方法還不能帶來順服的結果怎麼辦?對尚未學會順服的孩子,就需要限制他們的選擇。比如你讓女兒自己去挑衣服穿,她卻拖拖拉拉的或是開始玩耍,你就可以說:「妳已經浪費太多時間了,現在由我選妳要穿的衣服。」順服並非取決於了解為什麼。

孩子往往會有錯誤的想法,就是如果他們不喜歡這個要求他們就有理由抗拒。事實上,許多時候我們成年人也需要順服,即使我們不喜歡或感到不方便。總之,一旦孩子學會了先順服這個技巧,他們就可以學習另一個技能:評估所領受的指令,並且提供有創意的替代方案。

智者上訴 

特權和責任是並行的。當孩子學會負責任,並按照指示而不爭論和抱怨,他們就適宜擁有智者上訴的特權了。這種技巧可以幫助孩子處理自己感受,同時可以用尊重的方式來回應。 你的孩子可以學習這種溝通方式,這確實是一套公式:

智者上訴的說法:

「我明白你希望我……因為……」

「我對這事…感到困難…」

「我可否請求…」

父母可以訓練孩子說:「我明白你要我做…」並且讓孩子完成他要說的句子。例如,你希望孩子放學後幫你修剪草坪,孩子使用智者上訴的方法來溝通:

「媽媽,我明白你希望我去修剪草坪,因為它長得很高了。」(第一步是孩子尊重地表達明白母親的要求)

「我對這件事感到困難,因為我現在很累。我昨晚沒有足夠的睡眠,而且今天在學校有很惱人的事。我很希望能夠先休息一會,聽聽音樂。」(第二步是幫助父母了解孩子的想放)

「我可否請求兩小時後才修剪草坪?」(第三步是讓孩子提出建議)

孩子專注於解決方法,而不是困難;父母則聽見一個建議,而非只是一個抱怨。如今孩子與父母是朝向一個共同的目標進行。當你的孩子尊重地向你請求,你就比較願意接納别的建議。  

如果一個幼小的孩子在你說「不」之後還繼續發牢騷,你可以說:「我已經說了不可以,如果你想要上訴,我會聽。但是你若繼續發牢騷,你就要坐到你的床上。」

智者上訴教導孩子一個很重要的技巧,就是當他們有異議時,需要知道如何以尊重的方式表達訴求。

孩子不可以挑戰父母的每個要求,但是智者上訴是用一種尊重的方式向父母表達。你必須決定哪一種回應是可以接受的。如果孩子在順服之前不斷的爭論,你可能需要強調「先順服,之後再談。」但是如果你側重於嚴格的順從,你也許需要容許智者上訴,教導你的孩子以尊重的方式回應。

如果你在家教導孩子使用智者上訴,他們就能夠在各種不同的環境中使用它。這是孩子一生都可使用的工具。

原文取自: Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes… in You and Your Kids [Scott Turansky, Joanne Miller]

你的孩子長大以後會說什麼?

他們長大後會不會對你說-- 

“你從不曾心平氣和地與我交談。”  
“當我需要你時,你總是不在。”  
“你不遵守你的承諾。”  
“你沒耐性聽我講話。” 
“你老是對我大吼大叫。”  

 “你不了解我所經歷的困擾憂悶。”  
“只有在我使你光彩、有面子時,你才愛我。”  
“你永不滿意。”  
“你老在看電視。” 
“在我朋友面前,你使我尷尬窘迫。”   

“你從不觸摸或擁抱我。” 
“你和媽(爸)老是爭吵不休。”  
“你不信任我。”  
“你不讓我做任何決定。” 
“你永遠忙不停。”   

“你從不花時間陪我玩。”  
“我永遠不會忘記你說的那些傷人的話。”  
“你犯了許多錯,但你從不承認。” 
“你老是說我一事無成。”
“你利用我。”   

“你使我活得悲慘痛苦。”  
“你從未真正原諒我離家出走之事。”  
“你冥頑不靈、跋扈無理。”  
“你從未幫助我建立自信自尊。” 
“你要我去做你自己都不願做的事。”   

“你生氣時就打我。” 
“當我正需要你時你卻離我而去。 

或者,他們會說——  

“當我需要你時,你總在我身旁。” 
“我一直知道你愛我。”  
“我們在一起時總是很有趣。”  
“我還記得我們談過的一些事。”   

“因你是我的好爸爸∕媽媽,我感謝上帝。” 
“我知道我隨時都可與你傾談。”  
“你使我覺得自己不平凡。”  
“你信任我。”  
“你做錯事時,就會坦白承認。”   

“我很感激你沒有對我放任自流。”  
“你讓我有自由發展的空間。” 
“你使我能自愛、自重。” 
“我還記得你講過的故事。”  
“我很難相信你對我竟那麼有耐性。”  

 “我知道我可以信任你。” 
“我知道你希望我得到最好的。”  
“你教我怎樣關懷別人。” 
“我以你為榮。”  
“你對我的愛是無條件的。”   

“你教我如何自己做決定。”  
“你讓我從自己的錯誤汲取教訓。”  
“我知道你總是盡力遵守承諾。”  
“你使我能愛自然、愛人類、愛上帝。 


林僑逢 (作者為一美國僑居的資深編輯)

原文取自:http://www.cclw.net/coach/ndhzzdyh.htm

數1-2-3的問題


counting 1-2-3

用「數1-2-3」要求孩子們聽話是一種常用的策略,特別在有幼兒的父母當中。問題是,它其實不能產生持久的果效,相反地,卻教導孩子們去做反面的事情。

想一想:數到三,就是教孩子他們不需要在要第一時間就聽從。他們學會了在必須回應之前,還有很多可以拖延的機會。難道我們不希望他們在第一次提示時就聽從嗎?

如果你在家裡一直用「數1-2-3」的策略,你可能已經留意到,當你在第一次跟他們說話時,他們並沒有立刻留心聽。 這是他們的想法:

  • 沒問題,我還可以在這裡再逗留一會兒。繼續做我正在做的事。
  • 這是拖延戰術。我知道她很快就會開始計時,但現在還不需要行動。我還有時間。
  • 哦,老兄!她快要數到2,2點半了。我想我要在她數到3之前開始行動。

事實上,數1-2-3時,你是給他們5或6次機會去回應你。你可能在數1-2-3之前已經給了他們1或2次機會了。再加上2,2點1,以及一次的2點4/3,這樣在你的孩子回應你之前,你總共給了有6至7次機會。你是很有效的在教導他們不要理睬你,並且這對他們來說是很難打破的習慣。

父母經常使用數算的策略,因為他們誤解孩子需要用1-2-3 幫助他們重新出發或重新集中他們的注意力。但是,當你覺得使用「數1-2-3」的策略有效時,請想一想下列幾點:

學生願意去做規定的事情之前,老師會做出多次的要求嗎?員工呈交任務之前,是否會等主管提出多次的要求?如果他還想保住工作,是不會這樣做的。你的孩子在外是不會有這麼多機會的,所以在家裡給他這麼多機會是没有好處的。

你的反應如何?
當你在緩慢、拖長數算的過程中,你的血壓是否上升?當你數到3時,但你的孩子還沒有行動,你會做甚麼?你會再重複一次說:「我這次是認真的!」?

你反而可以這麼做
當你想要求你的孩子做某件事情時,不管是把玩具收拾起來或是在洗浴時不要潑水,你蹲下來跟他的視線平行,用平穩且堅定的語調告訴他你希望他表現的行為,包括如果他漠視你的要求之後的後果。平穩的語調是很重要的,它能避免權力鬥爭惡化。

例如,你可以這麼說:「傑森,請你把你的玩具收起來,否則我會把它們拿走,在這個星期(或一天) 裡你就會失去玩這些玩具的特權(根據你孩子的年紀調整你所要限制的時間範圍)。」那是給傑森一個機會。如果他選擇遵守,那麼每個人都很開心。如果他不遵守,你不需要說話,心平氣和的把玩具撿起來,把它們放在衣櫥裡一天(或一星期)。

當你堅持到底,你的孩子就會適應。只要沒有人處於危險之中,就由他吧!不需要教訓或生氣,只管做你自己的事情。
他發的脾氣會過去的,同時他也會學到一個寶貴的功課,就是當你說些甚麼,你是認真的。記住,培育孩子是有關於教導的。

如果傑森發的脾氣使你改變了你的決定,他就獲勝了,並且明天還會舊事重演。你的孩子會「測試」你幾次,但是他很快就學會你說的就會做到!

不多久,你的孩子會比較聽從你的話,並為他的未來做更好的準備。

作者: Amy McCready,  Positive Parenting Solutions 創辦人
翻譯者: Shirley Chan
譯自: https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/discipline/the-problem-with-counting-1-2-3

Positive changes in family life

Parents who participate in the coaching program are encouraged to write a weekly journal to keep track of their learning and progress, and at the end of the program, they write a summary of the changes they have experienced during the 8 weeks. The following is a summary written by a mother who has two boys of 4 and 5 years old. 

1) How did the child change? – What are some ways the child has changed? You might think in terms of actions, beliefs, patterns, and relationship.

We have definitely seen improvement in the behavior that Arthur and Joshua have exhibited in the weeks during and following the coaching sessions.

Specifically with Arthur, we have noticed that he has much improvement in expressing his negative emotions verbally, rather than screaming, making demands, grunting and having a tantrum. He expresses how his is angry, jealous, afraid, etc, especially when we probe and prompt him. His heart also seems to be much more penitent and apologetic when he has had a tantrum of screaming and yelling when he does not always get his way, and he is often quick to apologize and say he is sorry. We can see that he generally has an obedient heart and is often truly sorry for his outbursts.

He has also improved in his table presence during meals. He still plays with his food when he is bored or full, but the throwing and spitting has decreased. He still spits or throws utensils and food when he is extremely angry, but it has decreased in the last few weeks, especially as we have let him know that that behavior signals no more food. But we have also improved in our expectations for meals and do not pressure ourselves or them to eat everything on their plates everyday.

Arthur’s wake up from naps have improved slightly with lots of physical hugs and affirmations, especially when he wakes with nightmares. I try to be present and available when he wakes up from naps to greet and hug him as he is waking up, and it seems to have helped a bit with the screaming. He still comes into our bedroom in the middle of the night when he wakes and gets scared, but we try to take him back to his room while affirming him. He generally only comes in once these days (down from 2-3x before) and we let him sleep with the lamp on, which seems to help.

The last few weeks the relationship between us and Arthur has seemed to improve in terms of closeness and intimacy. He has started saying “I love you guys!” when we give him kisses and hugs before bedtime and we definitely hug and laugh a lot more and we try to savor and enjoy more silly moments with each other as a family.

Both boys have been better in getting ready to get out the door in a timely manner, and Arthur in particular has made quite a lot of improvement.

Joshua has also improved alongside his brother. In particular, once we let him know that he is whining and badgering us, he generally stops and makes a request rather than a demand. Sometimes when we also deny his request and tell him the conversation is over, he will protest, but will generally relent.

While Joshua still has some difficulty in managing his emotions (anger, jealousy, sadness, impatience, etc.) once we take him for a break and a talk, he is able to regain his composure after some time, and he is cooperative in rejoining family activities. The break seems to be quite effective for both Arthur and Joshua in helping them to calm down.

Joshua has also exhibited much more independence in the last few weeks in terms of getting dressed independently and getting ready to go out the door, using the bathroom and washing hands.

Joshua also seems to have bonded more with his father in the last few weeks, and has even requested time with Daddy instead of Mommy for certain fun activities. This is a breakthrough as we have had challenges in dealing with Joshua’s preference of only having Mommy do things with and for him instead of others or Daddy.

2) What did you learn? – In what ways have you made changes in your parenting? You might consider actions, patterns, and beliefs.

For us, definitely one of the key concepts was to try to take the emotionality out of the parenting moment, especially as we learned how counterproductive things end up. I have learned that I need to take a break often each day, and that yelling and screaming in frustration and anger ultimately damages my relationship with the boys. I have learned that anger and disappointment are important red flags to demonstrate wrong behavior, but that emotions should not be used to solve problems. I have also learned that pushing and sometimes provoking the boys (particularly Arthur) often results in outbursts.

I am also working on decreasing the amount of nagging and shouting/yelling, and it has definitely made a big difference in my own emotional well-being and self-control. While occasional outbursts still happen, the frequency has definitely decreased significantly in the last few weeks/month.

Another key concept for us was to show and explain the “right way” to do things, and to teach specifically how to do something the “right way” and especially to practice doing things the right way. We have been doing this and it really does work! The “how would you do things differently next time” question posed to the boys really does make them think and further cement right and wrong approaches to problems and concepts.

3) What would you like to change or do differently? – Make observations that contain new goals, methods, or approaches both for you and your child.
A few new things to try or change include:
– Shaping and equipping the child to gain an independent, responsible mindset. It is very tempting to expedite by doing things for them and on occasion that is acceptable but part of the new rhythm of routines is to encourage them to “seize” the opportunity to grow.
– Spiritually, building prayer, scripture and worship needs to be in the daily rhythm. Similar to food and sleep being “necessary”, instilling a connection and reliance on God needs to happen at this formative stage
– Shaping the boys to have a giving, caring and hosting mindset versus a consumer mindset or one that seeks to extract or maximize one’s gain. An immediate step is to have them help set the table and when the grandparents are visiting, to serve them a beverage.