你的孩子長大以後會說什麼?

他們長大後會不會對你說-- 

“你從不曾心平氣和地與我交談。”  
“當我需要你時,你總是不在。”  
“你不遵守你的承諾。”  
“你沒耐性聽我講話。” 
“你老是對我大吼大叫。”  

 “你不了解我所經歷的困擾憂悶。”  
“只有在我使你光彩、有面子時,你才愛我。”  
“你永不滿意。”  
“你老在看電視。” 
“在我朋友面前,你使我尷尬窘迫。”   

“你從不觸摸或擁抱我。” 
“你和媽(爸)老是爭吵不休。”  
“你不信任我。”  
“你不讓我做任何決定。” 
“你永遠忙不停。”   

“你從不花時間陪我玩。”  
“我永遠不會忘記你說的那些傷人的話。”  
“你犯了許多錯,但你從不承認。” 
“你老是說我一事無成。”
“你利用我。”   

“你使我活得悲慘痛苦。”  
“你從未真正原諒我離家出走之事。”  
“你冥頑不靈、跋扈無理。”  
“你從未幫助我建立自信自尊。” 
“你要我去做你自己都不願做的事。”   

“你生氣時就打我。” 
“當我正需要你時你卻離我而去。 

或者,他們會說——  

“當我需要你時,你總在我身旁。” 
“我一直知道你愛我。”  
“我們在一起時總是很有趣。”  
“我還記得我們談過的一些事。”   

“因你是我的好爸爸∕媽媽,我感謝上帝。” 
“我知道我隨時都可與你傾談。”  
“你使我覺得自己不平凡。”  
“你信任我。”  
“你做錯事時,就會坦白承認。”   

“我很感激你沒有對我放任自流。”  
“你讓我有自由發展的空間。” 
“你使我能自愛、自重。” 
“我還記得你講過的故事。”  
“我很難相信你對我竟那麼有耐性。”  

 “我知道我可以信任你。” 
“我知道你希望我得到最好的。”  
“你教我怎樣關懷別人。” 
“我以你為榮。”  
“你對我的愛是無條件的。”   

“你教我如何自己做決定。”  
“你讓我從自己的錯誤汲取教訓。”  
“我知道你總是盡力遵守承諾。”  
“你使我能愛自然、愛人類、愛上帝。 


林僑逢 (作者為一美國僑居的資深編輯)

原文取自:http://www.cclw.net/coach/ndhzzdyh.htm

Positive changes in family life

Parents who participate in the coaching program are encouraged to write a weekly journal to keep track of their learning and progress, and at the end of the program, they write a summary of the changes they have experienced during the 8 weeks. The following is a summary written by a mother who has two boys of 4 and 5 years old. 

1) How did the child change? – What are some ways the child has changed? You might think in terms of actions, beliefs, patterns, and relationship.

We have definitely seen improvement in the behavior that Arthur and Joshua have exhibited in the weeks during and following the coaching sessions.

Specifically with Arthur, we have noticed that he has much improvement in expressing his negative emotions verbally, rather than screaming, making demands, grunting and having a tantrum. He expresses how his is angry, jealous, afraid, etc, especially when we probe and prompt him. His heart also seems to be much more penitent and apologetic when he has had a tantrum of screaming and yelling when he does not always get his way, and he is often quick to apologize and say he is sorry. We can see that he generally has an obedient heart and is often truly sorry for his outbursts.

He has also improved in his table presence during meals. He still plays with his food when he is bored or full, but the throwing and spitting has decreased. He still spits or throws utensils and food when he is extremely angry, but it has decreased in the last few weeks, especially as we have let him know that that behavior signals no more food. But we have also improved in our expectations for meals and do not pressure ourselves or them to eat everything on their plates everyday.

Arthur’s wake up from naps have improved slightly with lots of physical hugs and affirmations, especially when he wakes with nightmares. I try to be present and available when he wakes up from naps to greet and hug him as he is waking up, and it seems to have helped a bit with the screaming. He still comes into our bedroom in the middle of the night when he wakes and gets scared, but we try to take him back to his room while affirming him. He generally only comes in once these days (down from 2-3x before) and we let him sleep with the lamp on, which seems to help.

The last few weeks the relationship between us and Arthur has seemed to improve in terms of closeness and intimacy. He has started saying “I love you guys!” when we give him kisses and hugs before bedtime and we definitely hug and laugh a lot more and we try to savor and enjoy more silly moments with each other as a family.

Both boys have been better in getting ready to get out the door in a timely manner, and Arthur in particular has made quite a lot of improvement.

Joshua has also improved alongside his brother. In particular, once we let him know that he is whining and badgering us, he generally stops and makes a request rather than a demand. Sometimes when we also deny his request and tell him the conversation is over, he will protest, but will generally relent.

While Joshua still has some difficulty in managing his emotions (anger, jealousy, sadness, impatience, etc.) once we take him for a break and a talk, he is able to regain his composure after some time, and he is cooperative in rejoining family activities. The break seems to be quite effective for both Arthur and Joshua in helping them to calm down.

Joshua has also exhibited much more independence in the last few weeks in terms of getting dressed independently and getting ready to go out the door, using the bathroom and washing hands.

Joshua also seems to have bonded more with his father in the last few weeks, and has even requested time with Daddy instead of Mommy for certain fun activities. This is a breakthrough as we have had challenges in dealing with Joshua’s preference of only having Mommy do things with and for him instead of others or Daddy.

2) What did you learn? – In what ways have you made changes in your parenting? You might consider actions, patterns, and beliefs.

For us, definitely one of the key concepts was to try to take the emotionality out of the parenting moment, especially as we learned how counterproductive things end up. I have learned that I need to take a break often each day, and that yelling and screaming in frustration and anger ultimately damages my relationship with the boys. I have learned that anger and disappointment are important red flags to demonstrate wrong behavior, but that emotions should not be used to solve problems. I have also learned that pushing and sometimes provoking the boys (particularly Arthur) often results in outbursts.

I am also working on decreasing the amount of nagging and shouting/yelling, and it has definitely made a big difference in my own emotional well-being and self-control. While occasional outbursts still happen, the frequency has definitely decreased significantly in the last few weeks/month.

Another key concept for us was to show and explain the “right way” to do things, and to teach specifically how to do something the “right way” and especially to practice doing things the right way. We have been doing this and it really does work! The “how would you do things differently next time” question posed to the boys really does make them think and further cement right and wrong approaches to problems and concepts.

3) What would you like to change or do differently? – Make observations that contain new goals, methods, or approaches both for you and your child.
A few new things to try or change include:
– Shaping and equipping the child to gain an independent, responsible mindset. It is very tempting to expedite by doing things for them and on occasion that is acceptable but part of the new rhythm of routines is to encourage them to “seize” the opportunity to grow.
– Spiritually, building prayer, scripture and worship needs to be in the daily rhythm. Similar to food and sleep being “necessary”, instilling a connection and reliance on God needs to happen at this formative stage
– Shaping the boys to have a giving, caring and hosting mindset versus a consumer mindset or one that seeks to extract or maximize one’s gain. An immediate step is to have them help set the table and when the grandparents are visiting, to serve them a beverage.